Sing It Out

First of all, if someone has it (AIDS), you better look in the mirror, ok girl?

- Chelsea Handler on Paris Hilton

… he said ‘it seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, it’s very rare to get pregnant. If it was a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down’. Like a pair of scissors come out. I mean, hello? He’s suggesting that your vagina shuts down if you don’t want someone coming into it. It’s like, it closes up shop and the rape doesn’t happen. I have a feeling that in a month this guy is gonna be making jokes about holding something in the men’s bathroom, and it’s not gonna be the key.

- Chelsea Handler, about Todd Akin.

Do you think it’s hard to find a card on Father’s Day that says: “You are an amazing father but an even better husband.”?

- Chelsea Handler on Woody Allen

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I’ve met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell me why I want to have children and that I just don’t know it yet. I do know, because I am me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don’t want to have kids, and it’s not a device to get attention or have a conversation about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

- Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang